Sex + Love

September 8, 2011

Ask Kristi Anything: “Sick of Her Past”

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Written by: Kristi
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Dear Kristi,

I am a 25-year-old straight girl with an any-girl problem. I have been dating my boyfriend for three months and he is wonderful, sensistive and carring. Unfortunately his sensitivity has become a bit of an issue. See, this is my first consensually sexual relationship. I lost my virginity when I was raped a few years ago, and twice on separate incidents since.

I have come to terms with these incidents and, while they were horrible, they don’t affect my day-to-day functioning. I’m a well-adjusted, pro-active person so I got all my STI check-ups right away and counselling when I need it. But sometimes I get flashbacks when I’m fooling around with my boyfriend, or something will remind me of the attacks when I’m with him. It’s unpleasant and intensely emotional, but not lasting and I’m able to deal with them easily with a hot cup of tea and a chat with my therapist. After one awkward experience, I told him about my past so he would understand why I was crying. He was very understanding about it, reassured me that it wasn’t my fault, and all those other things people are supposed to say to girls who were raped.

The only problem is, my past is now affecting him sexually! He’s so fucking hot, and up until this issue came up the sex was very good; he’s great at pleasing me. We’re hot and heavy up until the point where he has to put the condom on, and then he loses his erection. After talking about it, he told me that he’s afraid that I’ll have another flashback when we’re fucking and he won’t know that I’m having a flashback and he’ll traumatize me. He doesn’t want to hurt me, and it’s creating a sexual mindblock for him. I appreciate the concern, but he’s hot and sexy and I’m tired of rapes that happened years ago interfering with my sex life. Help!

Sick of Her Past

Dear Sick,

First, as a human being I am obliged to say all those things you are supposed to say to people who were raped; those were awful things that happened to you, I’m very sorry that you had to experience that, it wasn’t your fault and you are in no way responsible. But it sounds like you already know that. I’d also like to say that, while the people who committed crimes against your body and mind used sexualized violence, you did not have sex with those people; sex is a mutual activity and can’t be had without the consent of all involved parties. As far as I’m concerned you lost your virginity to your boyfriend whenever you had sex together for the first time.

Strictly physically speaking, losing wood when a condom arrives on the scene is pretty common, and something that men are good at adapting to. Compared to the lovely, warm, possibly wet stroking, caressing and skin-to-skin/tongue contact of condom-less fun, a condoms is cold, restrictive and unfeeling. Who wouldn’t lose it a bit after that kind of bait-and-switch? So there are some things you can do to ease that transition to condom; warm up the condom in your hand or mouth immediately prior to putting it on, put it on with your mouth, stroke him or let him masturbate for a bit right after it goes on, just let him adjust to the sensation. If you’ve been together for three months monogamously and plan to stay monogamous, you could wait another three months and then both get conclusive STI screenings and switch to a different form of birth control if you’d like to just ditch the condoms. But until you can ensure both of you are reasonably safe from transmitting or contracting any STIs, try to work with the condoms or try a femdom.

Now, more importantly, the emotional reasons behind your boytoy’s boner loss. You need to have a sit-down discussion with your boyfriend reiterating much of what you’ve said here. That he’s fucking hot, sensitive and great in bed, and that you are dealing effectively with your past in your own way. And while you really appreciate how understanding and sensitive he is, you already have a therapist whose job it is to help you cope with any problems or issues you may have associated with these assaults. Your boyfriend’s job is to fuck your brains out. It sounds like he’s so concerned about protecting you from your past that it’s taking precedent over his baser instincts. And that he’s afraid that the sex you are having will become associated with the sexualized violence forced on you in your past.

You also need to make a very sincere promise to him; that if you have a flashback, or other intensely emotional moment associated with your victimization in the past while you are fooling around, you will tell him immediately. That way he may feel less nervous or anxious about traumatizing you by accident, because he will know the moment you are in emotional distress, at which point he can take off his fucking chapeau and put on his loving boyfriend beret and offer you support. Talk about it, keep the communication open. If your relationship continues, and his worries don’t go away consider suggesting counselling for him, or that he learn more about sexual assault so that he can get a better idea of how to support you.

Good Luck and Happy Fucking!


Have a question for Kristi? You can ask her anything HERE!

About the Author

|Sex & Relationships Writer| I am a 20-something straight divorcee with a dirty mind and a loud mouth. I work for a non-profit organization that can appreciate my mad writing and policy development skills despite my outrageous TMI outbursts. I'm a feminist, a mother, a techno-phile, an avid and shameless sex blogger. I'm most often seen having sex or hunched over a computer, writing about sex. Or eating...I like eating.



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