Sex + Love

June 11, 2011

Ask Kristi Anything: “A Penis-Confused Lesbo”

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Written by: Kristi
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Dear Kristi,

My girlfriend and I have pretty good girl-on-girl sex but I have been shy about introducing toys. Recently she brought up using strap-ons and dildos but I feel so awkward about the whole thing. I am worried that she wants to have sex with a guy and that is why she wants a strap-on. Is that what it means?

A penis-confused lesbo.

 

Dear P-C Lesbo,

This is something I think a lot of people (including straight and male-identified people) get insecure about; the social implications of their sex life. I know straight guys who have had similar dilemnas over the fact that they enjoy being pegged (fucked in the ass with a strap-on) by their girlfriends (because, as we know, all men possess a gay gland in their ass that, when stimulated, turns them gay). And the Freudian practice of recognizing symbolism in everything we do is still very influential in our culture. So of course, worrying that the dick your girlfriend wants to get fucked with symbolizes a real dick and her deep-dark-secret heterosexual yearnings is pretty understandable. However, I’ll offer you the same standard anti-Freud response my dear cognitive psych professor gave me: sometimes a chair is just a chair, and sometimes a dildo is just a dildo.

It’s true that our male, straight-dominated culture really wants lesbians to desire dick. In advertising, entertainment and other media venues, we are force-fed the image of the ideal dyke who just hasn’t found the right dick yet. Clearly not true. But, on the most crude, basic biological level, dicks and vaginas go very well together. Lots of women, gay or otherwise, enjoy the feeling of a dick in their pussy. Our basic biology makes this sensation very pleasurable to lots of women, the same way that lots of men can feel incredible when their prostate is stimulated through their anus. So your girlfriend’s interest in throwing some fake dicks into the mix is most likely just exemplifying her interest in exploring new ways to feel pleasure when you have sex. In the safety of your private sex lives, who cares about the symbolism and implications of what feels good? The point is that she is sharing her pleasure with you; she wants you on the other side of that dick, and you will, in all likelihood, still have some great girl-on-girl sex sans dildo as well. It’s just a prop.

If you are really uncomfortable with the idea of using a dildo right now, share that information with your girlfriend. But if it’s something that she is really interested in, I think it might be worth your while to put aside your worries and consider indulging her; you’ll be a better sexual partner for it.

When you shop, try browsing an online toy shop with her first; browsing a bit before you go into an actual store can let you get a better idea of what appeals to you. I’d still recommend going to a speciality boutique that is lady & queer-positive with an educated staff who can answer your questions, and an opportunity to see your purchases up close before you buy.

If you are anxious about the appearance of the super-realistic dildo models, talk to your girl about looking at some less realistic ones, at least to start. If you enjoy having something in your vagina, there are several models of double dildos specifically designed to fit inside the wearer through a harness, and stimulate her g-spot while she is penetrating her partner with the other end. Some of them can even accomodate vibrating bullets if either of you like a little buzz. Some ladies perfer these models to single-end strap-ons because they feel a bit more natural and allow you to share more of the experience with your partner (strap-ons can be somewhat impersonal since you have no sensation in the instrument of penetration). Check out these models at Babeland; fyi, the nexus and nexus jr (for ladies who need a smaller fit) are the most popular on the market. You’d need to buy a harness that is adaptable to a double dildo too; if you aren’t sure about a particular harness then make sure to ask the clerk (Babeland and other reputable online shops often list the harnesses that will be compatible with your dildo)!

Also, make sure that you use a condom on the dildo if she wants you to fuck her in the ass, or if you will be sharing the toy at all. Stay safe, and have fun. Your girlfriend will thank you for it.

K.

Have a question for Kristi? You can ask her anything HERE!



About the Author

Kristi
Kristi
|Sex & Relationships Writer| I am a 20-something straight divorcee with a dirty mind and a loud mouth. I work for a non-profit organization that can appreciate my mad writing and policy development skills despite my outrageous TMI outbursts. I'm a feminist, a mother, a techno-phile, an avid and shameless sex blogger. I'm most often seen having sex or hunched over a computer, writing about sex. Or eating...I like eating.




 
 

 
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