Sex + Love

June 9, 2011

Kristi’s Picks: Rules for Outdoor Sexy Summer Safety

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Written by: Kristi
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Underwear tree

Ah summer; obviously a great time for wine, picnics and trips to the Market for suggestive baguettes and gourmet cheeses. Good times! Also a great time, in fact the only time in Canada, to have sex outside without freezing your balls/boobs off. However, there are still many dangers lurking in the Great Outdoors which threaten to bring your hot, sunny, sexy time to a screeching halt. Here are some tips to get off without a hitch outside!

Stop, look, listen

Choose your spot wisely. It may seem hot to throw down your lover with abandon on a random spot off the hiking trail, but it won’t when you’re 3 thrusts away from coming and realize you are laying on top of an ant hill or bobbing your head frantically three inches away from a wasp nest, or are being observed by a couple of bear cubs whose mother is suspiciously absent… Take a few moments to observe your surroundings; look for wildlife hazards, unstable ground, signs of inclemant weather and  crowds of sober, alert people. Avoid these whenever possible.

 

Be Prepared

Practice safer sex, just like you always would, but also be prepared to accomodate your surroundings. Bring a picnic blanket or other barrier between yourselves and the ground, which could be covered in stinging nettles, poison ivy or all kinds of other nasty things. If you are going into the woods, bring a few litres of water at least, and bring a first aid kit if you are REALLY going out of the way. Tell someone where you are going and when you’ll be back. Charge up your cell phone.

 

Avoid an Audience

While there are lots of officers of the law who would just laugh and tell you to take it indoors if they found you fucking in a public park, there are probably an equal number who would handcuff you and lead you straight to the back of a cop car (without the 70’s porn music). Indecent exposure is still a crime according to the Criminal Code of Canada, so try and avoid areas where you are likely to get caught. If you need that element of danger, stick to areas where you are unlikely to be caught by someone under the age of 14; you are just asking to be charged by exposing your bare ass to a group of children.

 

Wear Sunscreen

The Ultimate Good Advice? Debateable, but definitely good advice nonetheless. Even on cloudy days, make sure to cover up during daylight hours. And if you are PLANNING for sex in an area where stripping down completely is perfectly safe, make sure to sunscreen your ass, chest and everything else that will be remaining external (do not sunscreen your junk; suncreen is not meant to be used internally, just keep it covered when you’re in the sun). Better yet…

 

Consider wearing easy-access clothes

You can have your sexual encounter publicly, easily, and relatively quickly if you wear clothes that you don’t have to strip off completely in order to get it on. In the off chance you get caught, your indecent exposure if more easily forgiven if you can cover up quickly (if no one sees anything, can they really prove you were having sex?). So ladies, consider wearing a dress or skirt and gentleman wear pants with a fly that won’t catch your cock when you’re on the fly.

 

Stay safe in the dark

Sure you don’t have to worry about sunscreen and you’re less likely to get caught while outside at night, but you’re also less visible to other people in the event of an emergency. Be extra cautious of your surroundings at night; bring flashlights when you look for hazards. Also be wary of the other people wandering around in the dark with you. Bring a whistle, have a siren app loaded on your iPhone (YWCA safety Siren is a good one) or bring some other device to attract attention to yourself if you need help. Remember it’s better to be caught naked and in the act than found naked and dead.

 

Special tips for underwater encounters

Be aware of watery dangers

Take the time to learn what flora and fauna are flotsam and jetsam-ing around your chosen body of water. Avoid deep water in the ocean in areas that have strong tides and currents. If trying to chose between them, a pool or hottub are always going to be safer and cleaner than a natural lake or ocean. No leeches are going to be wiggling into your nethers in a hottub.

Use lube

And here, I mean silicone lube. Silicone is not water soluable, and therefore will remain where you want it to for a reasonable amount of time.

Don’t get your junk in the jets

The capillaries in your vagina are very close to the surface. While it is very unlikely, there is the possibility that any air bubbles forced into your vagina could pass into your bloodstream and can lead to permanent injury and in VERY rare cases, death. No need to avoid the hottub, just don’t start humping the jets. Guys, avoid putting your dicks anywhere near the suction intake of a pools cleaning system, and the jets. That is a 911 call you do NOT want to make.

Come up for air BEFORE you are gasping

If you will be putting your head underwater for some underwater oral, pay close attention to your air intake. Take a deep breath before you go down and don’t wait until your lungs are screaming for oxygen before surfacing. If your partner is going under for you, do NOT hold them under, even if they ask. Always leave a clear pathway for them to return to the surface whenever they need to.

Finally, do NOT have sex on a pool cover

If you don’t understand why, I am revoking your sex privileges.



About the Author

Kristi
Kristi
|Sex & Relationships Writer| I am a 20-something straight divorcee with a dirty mind and a loud mouth. I work for a non-profit organization that can appreciate my mad writing and policy development skills despite my outrageous TMI outbursts. I'm a feminist, a mother, a techno-phile, an avid and shameless sex blogger. I'm most often seen having sex or hunched over a computer, writing about sex. Or eating...I like eating.




 
 

 
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3 Comments


  1. Rachelle
    Rachelle

    Ha ha! This line kills me,”No need to avoid the hottub, just don’t start humping the jets”. Great and funny read.


  2. Ty

    Stop, Look, Listen!!

    Kristi, my heart melts for you.. Another smart and very funny article!


  3. Evan

    Why didn’t I get this lesson in school. This is some serious and sexy advice. I’m off to the park now :)



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