July 1, 2012

My Big Fat Straight Marriage

More articles by »
Written by: Kristi
Tags: , , ,

A Note to all the RCMP detectives who frequent The Gaily on a daily basis; this story is not about me. I am straight, uncool and have only been to Montreal once. For Space Camp when I was 12.

I remember hearing, prior to the passing of Bill C-38 in July 2005 and federal legislation allowing same-sex marriage, arguments from radical conservatives in my midst that the bill would cause a dramatic increase in marriage fraud. Some people seemed to have the idea that if the government endorsed same-sex marriages, friends, roomates and raquet-ball buddies were going to be getting married for the many rewards to be reaped from legal marriage.

They didn’t seem to understand that hetero marriage had that market cornered, and that marriage fraud from two opposite-sex friends was quite alive and well.

In 2004, straight and alternative Stacey was living in Montreal and maintained residence there. Mark, a flamboyant, raving gay boy who lived in Toronto, had been accepted at McGill University and was ecstatic to be moving there, and closer to his dear friend Stacey. In fact, they had decided to share a cute little flat in the Village.

Only there was one problem; one that out-of-province students pursing their higher education in Quebec would be intimately familiar with. The out-of-province tuition rates in Quebec are outrageously high compared to the rates afforded to local students. Mark wasn’t sure that he would be able to afford the tuition on his Dilbert-swathed office salary. Then he came up with a brilliant idea. He called Stacey and proposed. Marriage. She laughed and accepted jokingly. When Mark started providing her the details of applying for a marriage license the following week she realized he was serious. After a few minutes of convincing, and explaining the plan to commit marriage fraud so that Mark could get residency in Quebec and access those sweet, sweet local tuition rates, Stacey agreed.

You see, Stacey was very alternative, and the arrangement actually appealled to her sense of alt-ness. She would be the cool, straight wife of a fabulous gay man (who was already in a long-term relationship with another gay man). Awesome.

They went to get the license three weeks later, after Mark had officially moved to the Village. His boyfriend Luke went with them to be their witness. Stacey filled out the paperwork, taking occasional breaks to chastise Mark for demonstrating the fradulent nature of their union; he was sitting in Luke’s lap flirting and touching him suggestively in front of the beuraucrats (who were clearly aware of the situation, and probably pretty familiar with student marriage fraud). They got the license, ran to the courthouse and had a quickie marriage ceremony. The bride wore a denim skirt she had made herself out of three pairs of jeans. The groom wore Dolce. They wed, they kissed and they went out for their wedding brunch at Denny’s.

Seven years later, and long after Mark graduated from McGill and moved to New York to pursue graduate studies at Columbia and Stacey returned to her home town on the other side of the country to open a flower shop, they are still married. Mark had promised to pay for the divorce, since he was the one to reap the majority of the benefits of the marriage. Though always the wallflower, Stacey has been hesitantly dipping her foot into the real heterosexual dating pool and realized a short time ago that she will likely want to marry a man she can share more than cosmos and sweaters with.

So last week Stacey began composing a very long and melodramatic letter to the courts requesting an annulment, claiming that her husband that she loved (true) and planned to be with forever (false) ran away with another man shortly after their nuptuals (sort of true; Mark slept over at Luke’s the night of his nuptuals, but was back for bagels and lox by noon the next day). She and her unlikely husband plan for a quickie divorce followed by an enormous and cheeky bash celebrating the successful end of their fraudulent marriage.

The bride will wear clunky maple bracelets, the groom will wear Armani, and both will wear shit-eating grins for having defrauded the government as a faux-hetero couple.

About the Author

|Sex & Relationships Writer| I am a 20-something straight divorcee with a dirty mind and a loud mouth. I work for a non-profit organization that can appreciate my mad writing and policy development skills despite my outrageous TMI outbursts. I'm a feminist, a mother, a techno-phile, an avid and shameless sex blogger. I'm most often seen having sex or hunched over a computer, writing about sex. Or eating...I like eating.



Toronto Cabaret Queen Ryan G. Hinds Graces #MTL’s Just for Laughs

Just for Laughs is well underway, and Montreal is getting an extra serving of gay at this year’s festival. Every year is a big year for this event, but 2013 is boasting some of the worlds funniest LGBT and queer stand up acts...
by Ian


TACO Tongue Trials: Go Try Maïs – Now!

  When you’re trying to adhere to a lighter fare lifestyle, it can be challenging to find a restaurant choice that won’t leave you feeling gluttonous, nevermind-I’m-not-coming-out-tonight, full feeling. Tacos (when w...
by Caitlin


Tongue Trials 1: Dim Sum

La Maison Kam Fung 1111 St Urbain St Metro Place D’Armes Dim Sum is kinda like the Chinese version of Tapas but way more fun. Bite sized portions of Chinese dishes are served on small plates or in steam baskets that are c...
by Sarah



Feet Don’t Fail Me Now: From Finish Line To Starting Over

//Oh my heart it breaks every step that I take, but I’m open at the gates they’ll tell me that you’re mine.// I feel you, Lana. This fall, I ran my first, and only marathon, also my first race and competition ever and sim...
by Ian


Photo Contest & Giveaway! Win An Evening with Comedienne DeAnne Smith & (Sexy) Guests!

One of my favorite weeknight traditions is  to grab a few friends and head to a cheap comedy show at Comedy Works. I mean what could be better than a few friends, drinks, and some lively stand up? Well some might say a strip b...
by Sarah

Coll2011-010 ACT UP/Los Angeles records

World AIDS Day: Are We Not Angry or United Enough Anymore?

What do you know about AIDS? Last week I had the privilege of watching what ended up being one of the most profoundly moving and eye opening documentaries that I have ever seen. The film, United in Anger: a History of ACT UP do...
by Caitlin



We Love: Artists Against AIDS Worldwide Music Video (2001) “What’s Goin’ On?”

Today is World AIDS Day, and I stumbled accross this all star music video version of Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Goin On?” from 2001. The video by Artists Against AIDS Worldwide features all of the biggest nam...
by Erika


World Aids Day: A Day With(out) Art

Today, and for the week leading up to World AIDS Day, art shows, galleries, and artists partner with grassroots AIDS service organizations to help raise funds and awareness of the AIDS pandemic. Since 1981 AIDS has resulted in ...
by Sarah

Reflections on a Movember to Remember

Reflections on a Movember to Remember

If there is one thing I’ve learned from Movember, it is that you do not question its legitimacy and purpose. Movember is not interested in educating anyone about the prostate or prostate cancer. Its sole purpose is the establ...
by Hector



  1. Best line. Ever. “For Space Camp when I was 12.”

    • Kristi

      Just further proof of my uncool straightness. Trust me. I have pictures. I had no boobs and a mushroom cut.

      • MAB

        Dude, space camp is the epitome of cool and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. I wish I’d gotten to go to space camp when I was 12. I think I probably had a piano recital. Those were decidedly un-cool.

  2. Next best line ever: “I had no boobs and a mushroom cut.”

  3. Jeff

    Great read. I’ve often wondered what the best way to get “those sweet, sweet local tuition rates.”

    P.S. Back in 2007, I went in for a haircut, and the stylist told me my hair was the perfect length for a mushroom cut, so I let her do it and she only charged me for a child’s haircut.

  4. Rob

    If I had a Quebecoise friend who I got along well with I would have done the same thing! Certainly, I have two more years left at McGill, anyone interested? Jokes (though tempting as it is!)

  5. hehe. this is a cool idea! :(

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *